emotional wreck

it's been a long week.

I'm tired, I'm emotional, I'm pms'ing. I feel love, I feel frustration, I feel anger, I feel resentment, I feel discouraged, I feel overwhelmed, I feel like curling up in a ball far far away where nobody can see.

And so I will cry.

Q4 of nursing school started out as merry as can be; besides the fact that I wasn't feeling "ready" for a new schedule/teachers/requirements/growth in the clinical/classroom setting. Spring break was good and all... but I was not rejuvenated in any shape of the word.

But we started out good....All was well.

And then a fellow nursing student in the program committed suicide, and everybody in the program has had their world turned upside town.

We are a tight-knit community in our program, and though I did not know her, most everybody who I do know, knew her....and I have been reflecting on life ever since.

Life is precious.

At the end of the day, no matter the day, the thing I think about before I go to sleep are my children. "Why was I so impatient", "Why did I yell", "why am I not learning how to be more patient", "Oliver is just getting so big and I love him so much", "Eliza....oh eliza, you melt my heart, but man you're in a tricky stage", "Heavenly Father please let them grow and develop and lead long-happy lives"............

I watch them as they sleep. Oliver sleeps with a night cap on nearly every night. He is beautiful in his sleep, Angelic, and as peaceful as can be. I take his night cap off because it is so big....I give him a kiss and tell him I love him. Every once in a while he will respond with "I love you too mommy".
Eliza is just like me. She sleeps anywhere, so as long as she can be by somebody else. She has a nice little mattress on our floor where she "sleeps"....however, she doesn't choose to sleep there. She "quietly" and "slowly" makes her way to Aaron and/or I....she'll set up her blanket (sometimes pretending that she is only putting boopoo to bed there and not herself.....), but finally she will join boopoo in his covers, suck her thumb and his tail....and fall asleep. Just now I stepped on her because she fell asleep in the hallway/in the dark, waiting for me to finish in the bathroom while I was getting ready for bed...I did move her back to her bed, where she is peacefully sleeping as I type.
This is exactly how I was when I was a girl. I would fall asleep wherever I could, so long as somebody was by me. This must be genetic (as she has not "learned" this trait from me:O).

This week has been full of reflection, and continues on still.

On friday, I was supposed to spend the day in the lab at school, studying and practicing skills for clinical. Oliver had a field trip and I was to drop him off while I went and studied. Just as I was getting ready to take him, I decided "maybe I should take a few extra things...just in case they need some extra help on the field trip"....
I ended up staying for his field trip; not because they "needed" the help...but because I needed to be with my oliver. I truly needed to see him with his friends. I needed to see how he interacted with his teachers, how he played, what he likes to do, who he really likes to play with...I needed to be a part of this experience. I needed the memory of that day.
It was magical. Perfectly magical.
When oliver was younger he was a leader. I don't know why or how it came about, but he was "usually" a good friend, and his friends liked his way of playing and would often do as he did. He wasn't the "bossy" leader. He did his thing because it was interesting to him...and then others would often follow.
However, I have not seen him in this way for quite some time.

On the field trip, I saw my oliver. He is still a leader, he is still a good friend. It's not the fact that he is a "leader" that interests me. It is the fact that he has seemed to have that personality trait ever since he was born...it was just apparent. If that were to all of a sudden disappear, I worry he would be missing a part of himself, and it would break my heart.

I have not seen him so happy for a long time. It was a brilliant day.

That afternoon he also had his very first soccer class. This is his first extracurricular experience, and I pray only that he will enjoy himself and be happy there. He didn't want to go at first because he was very tired from the field trip...however, I told him we needed to go this once just to see how he liked it. He told me "if it doesn't work out, do I have to go next week?".....I of course told him no. He tiredly got dressed in his new soccer shoes and shin guards. He rode his bike to the field and dubiously lined up with the rest of the students. As soon as the coach spoke to him personally....Oliver was hooked. He lit up, and loved the rest of class. It was so fun watching him participate with other kids and the coaches.....it was just thrilling for a mom.

We went home and made ourselves a "blue" alligator smoothie, and all was well with the world:O)

It was a magical day in every way possible.

Saturday was sure to be "magical" as well.

I've officially got myself a new running partner since my dear friend moved away.
I've needed somebody to run with for a long time, and sure enough, when I had just about given up hope, a fellow classmate from another quarter wore running tights to school......the rest is history:O). She was heaven sent, and I am very grateful for our new friendship. We ran early in the morning up our favorite "mountain". It was a great run; peaceful, beautiful, sweaty and painful....it really doesn't get better then that.

Now for the next part, and where my guilty conscience comes in.....

We have never taken our kids to the temple...to SEE the Temple....EVER! That's right, neither one of them have ever seen a Temple in real life.
Due to the intensity of emotions and feelings going through my every CELL lately.....Friday night, aaron and I decided it was time. And so it was.
We took them to the Oakland Temple Saturday morning.
It was a stormy, windy, COLD day.
It was beautiful.
The kids were a little overwhelmed with the "newness". They ran around the temple grounds like two little crazy children who had never seen the light of day......I was a little embarrassed, to be honest. I thought to myself...."why isn't this magical"...."Isn't the temple a magical place for a child, especially if they've never seen it in real life?" "Why don't they feel something special and meaningful?"....."don't they feel the reverence that the Temple surrenders?"

I got discouraged, but then realized.....this is their first time. Let them experience something so new in their own way. Oliver loved it so much. He loved it, it was just different than what I had "expected" (ps....expectations are really painful sometimes, aren't they?)
We watched a movie in the visitors center and they both seemed to really like it. We wandered around everywhere we could, and just took it in. I'm slowly but surely learning about the impracticality of expectations....one day I will get it right.

After our excitement at the temple, we drove to a beautiful place. Ed Levin County Park. It is near Mission Peak, and OH MY.....it was beautiful. Incredibly beautiful.

There is nothing like the beautiful - spacious outdoors to calm a troubled heart.

And then today...oh how I dread sundays. Since honesty is no stranger in this post, I will not stop here.

Sundays are nearly, most often times DREADFUL. They are my least favorite day. Today was an especially bad day at church; a day when we decided to sit in the "middle" of the congregation (heaven forbid) rather than in the back where sometimes it is easier to hide...
Kids were not cooperative and I cried out in anger and frustration....of course I kept myself in control so as not to make a scene...but my heart was shouting at the top of its lungs, kicking, screaming, sobbing, RESENTING........it was miserable.
The only good thing at church for me right now are 2 things.....1. The days our kids are "decent" in sacrament meeting, and I don't feel like I'm going to go crazy. 2. My 7-8 year old class. I love them. I love them. I love them. They are as perfect as can be (most of the time:O).
Me and "church" are not on the same page as of now....but I'm not giving up hope.
I'm not sure why I find it so difficult, but I do...I just do, and that is it.

And now we're at day's end. It's pouring rain outside. We did have a little smoothie and no-bake cookie party this afternoon and watched a little movie together as a fam.....that was a good moment.

Everybody is asleep but me (I should be...)

And thus begins my reflecting....and thus I write, and have written:O).

It's been a long week, an emotional roller-coaster, if you will. I'm a bit concerned to be starting on the floor tomorrow with real live patients, and feeling the way I do. I'm kind of an emotional mess (if not apparent by all of my ramblings).

But....I'm excited. I love nursing school. I love my classmates, ALL OF THEM, dearly. I love what we are learning, and I love that I am finally on the road to helping people the way I have wanted to for so long. I read in one of our books that nurses must not only where their hearts on their sleeves, but they must also wear their brains on their sleeves....I love that. I want to not only have and feel love for the people I will be taking care of...but the brains/critical thinking/judgement skills necessary to figure out what it is they NEED in that critical moment and time.

And now that my children are sleeping....I love them dearly:O). I love them always.... but sometimes through all of the whining, crying and screaming...it is hard to see-FEEL that love....but I know it is ALWAYS there, no matter what. I love them more than anything. I love my husband more than anything. I love the beauty of the Earth...it's always an inspiration to me when I'm feeling the weight of the world....I can escape up a hill, and run all of my energy out into the dirt below me....and feel lightened.
ah.

And it is time for bed. Past time.

Good night.

I'll leave you with a few pictures (I'll try to do a long picture post another day....I have a lot:O). sly and good night
and remember to click on below picture to view the album.......

Temple and a beautiful hike...

before I go...

"God be with you till we meet again; by his counsels guide, uphold you, with his sheep securely fold you; God be with you till we meet again.
God be with you till we meet again; neath his wings securely hide you, daily manna still provide you; God be with you till we meet again.
God be with you till we meet again; when life's perils thick confound you, put his arms unfailing round you; God be with you till we meet again
God be with you till we meet again; keep love's banner floating o'er you, smite death's threatening wave before you; God be with you till we meet again."

Rest in Peace our fellow nursing student, you will be missed...
sly